Kendra asked me to make Swedish rye bread and of course, I said yes. But then later I realized that I am making the bread and the meatballs and the gravy and the ostakaka and I can't even call my aunt to get tips on how to fix problems with the ostakaka. Mom wrote on the recipe card "Ostakaka helpline" with Aunt Jane's number. I don't want to do any of it.
The to do list for Christmas buzzes in my ear like a fucking mosquito. Swatting at it in the dark, not knowing exactly where it is. It stops buzzing for a moment and I think I got it, but there it is again, in my ear. Annoying. Making my skin crawl. Making me feel helpless. Making me feel like I should be able to get rid of that little fucker. I'm bigger and smarter but it's tiny and tenacious.